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To Hold it All

by Kim Albert

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1.
Meredith 05:20
Meredith You probably Don’t even care about Where I am Or what I’m doing now But I’ve been thinking of the time We spent together And all the things I wish That I’d done better I’m not dwelling in the past I’m just saying If I could ever take it back It’d be different Cause when you choose between A lover and a friend Chances are that you will lose Both of them I’m reminded by The shitty things I’ve done Over time, good friends that I’ve lost It never turned out right I should have known this Yeah, I still think about that Meredith The laugh we shared Still echoes through these walls It’s a cold and it’s a bitter Place to start No matter how I try To leave it all behind I’m just living someone else’s life It reminds me of The shitty things I’ve done Over time, good friends that I’ve lost It never turned out right I should have known this Yeah I still think about that Meredith If went back today Spent the afternoon away No one, no one Is gonna make me laugh The way you did But somethings can’t be unbroken Some beds can’t be unmade Some bridges can’t be built again
2.
What’s Important I wanna get better Sitting here in silence I wanna get older Moving through this old world Knowing what’s important Knowing what’s important My desires are like the sea Rushing and rushing and rushing over me They pull away from the shore Always leaving me wanting more Show me what it means To live a life this way Rooted as a pine tree While the seasons change With its branches bent Knowing what’s important Cause my desires are like the wind Blowing and blowing and blowing on everything If all I want is to be true Tell me where does that leave you?
3.
Cold Hearted Woman I can turn my life around In a second I can cut you out Just like that I don’t owe you anything Nor will I give you An explanation I stopped counting all the times You fell out of line with me And I don’t wanna talk about it Why don't you just let me be I’m a cold hearted woman The world is on fire We are dying Past the point of No returning Still you’re calling me a liar And you turn your gaze The other way To watch the fury of our anger Instead of cleaning up the mess you made Oh but you can’t tame the tiger Or the lion in a cage And I’m a cold hearted woman
4.
The Abyss of Despair I still see her in the front room Where they put her bed It’s one of the only Memories I have Hidden behind the curtains Is a world you can’t understand So take my hand and walk with me To the abyss of despair We’ll spend our days eating ice cream And smoking cigarettes We’ll think of all the places We haven’t seen yet And you’d be around To ask me again And I wouldn’t be so scared To look at the softness Of your shavenly head I’d take your hand And walk with you Through the abyss of despair The abyss of despair
5.
Interlude 02:47
Interlude Tired and heavy Lost in the haze You waited and waited But she never came Flowers of lilies Filled out the room The echoing silence Of the unanswered prayers And the meaning of life As the morning sun rises Is it already time?
6.
Que Tu Reviennes Avant de partir J’aimerais pouvoir dire Que j’ai aimé Le meilleur et le pire Sans vouloir te changer Ni te retenir Les hommes font la guerre Moi je passerais l’hiver À tes côtés Dis-moi, combien de fois Devrait-on recommencer Et refaire les mêmes erreurs? Je rêve de toi, je chante ton nom Et j’attends que tu reviennes... La promesse sous l’emprise D’un monde en devenir Je n’y crois pas Fatiguée de courir Que le temps est futile Sans toi Si on laissait derrière Tout ce qui nous retient L’illusion qui nous sépare Et qu’on réalisait ce dont on a besoin Avant qu’il soit trop tard
7.
My Joy 06:38
My Joy Come, show yourself to me I have carried you around But I’m ready for you now Cause I don’t want to live in fear Just think of what this life would be If I decided it was worthy In a world that wants you dead I will give my love a chance And let no man take away My joy, my joy What to make of all of this Another year around the sun And still so much to be done Nat King Cole used to sing The greatest thing you’ll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return You are worthy, you are worthy You are worthy, you are worthy You are worthy, you are worthy You are worthy, you are worthy In a world that wants you dead I will give my love a chance And let no man take away My joy, my joy And let no man take away My joy, my joy
8.
Nothing to Prove (You Are Enough, You Are Loved) Hands in my back pockets Walking the wild forest Heart open like a flower This is my life Follow the path of questions Seeking to find the answers I stumble upon in wonder Taking my time Cause there’s no finish line to get to So what am I trying to prove? Somewhere along the river I stopped in my tracks to listen The sound of the silence whisper The wind moving through the branches The birds and their many songs Remind me that I belong The moon and the stars that shone The road that leads me home They say Your are enough, you are loved You are enough, you are loved You are enough, you are loved You are enough, you are loved You are enough, you are loved You are enough, you are loved, you are enough You are enough, you are loved You are enough, you are loved You are enough, you are enough, you are enough Hands in my back pockets Walking the wild forest Heart open like a flower This is my life My life My life
9.
To Hold it All I was walking by the water Played it over in my head No matter how I thought about it Still it don’t make any sense I was thinking of your children And this world we’re giving them I know they will miss their mother The same way I’ve been missing mine When the grief takes over I try to remember That love is greater Than anything When the light gets darker And I can’t find my way I go walking by water To watch the sun sets on the lake I was taken by the beauty Of the colors in the sky And the birds they flew above me Disappeared into the light As if there for me to see Something to be recognized We are here for just a moment There is so much to this life When the grief takes over I try to remember That love is greater Than anything When the light gets darker And I can’t find my way I go walking by water To watch the sun sets on the lake I wish I could tell you dear That it gets easier with time Truth is I am only learning How to hold it all at once How to hold it all...

about

To Hold it All was written in February 2021, shortly after a friend of mine, Stephanie Hamilton, passed away from cancer at the age of 45, leaving behind her beloved life long partner; David, her two children; Owen and Tristan, and all the people who knew and loved her.

That same cancer took my mother's life, twenty five years ago today, on August 8th, 1998. She was 38. I (am) was grieving my friend who passed away, but also (feel) felt so helpless thinking about how her kids will too, have to grow up in this world without their mother. Words can not describe how lonely, painful, cruel and absurd that is.

This layer of grief brought me back to my experience navigating life with such loss. I began to question about; how we think about grief, about the language we use around grief and how harmful, however well intended, it often is. I began to wonder about; what it means to hold each other's grief, about what it would look like to live in a world where we do this more truthfully and of its impact, individually and collectively.

A week after Stephanie's death, I went for a walk on Memphremagog's Lake, a place she loved dearly. I witnessed one of the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. I was overwhelmed with grief and beauty.

All my life I've been told that it would get better, that my grief would pass. All my life I thought there must be something wrong with me because of the ache in my heart. I am 33 years old now and still processing the death of my mother.

Writing this song and record helped me come to terms with the fact that love and loss, beauty and pain are intertwined -- sides of the same coin; that grief is not something to be gotten over but rather something with which one learns to coexist.

I'm so grateful for my friends & musicians whom I've made this with, and for the way they have held space in which this happened. Their presence, hearts and contribution is immense. I think this music is full of hope and light and I'm really proud of it.

THANK YOU TO / MERCI À

Maude d'avoir pris un instrument à chaque nouvelle chanson
Philippe d'être aussi sérieux et relax à la fois
Eli for the beautiful arrangements and for introducing me to a community of wonderful humans/musicians
Rémi pour ta patience, tes oreilles et ton divan lit
Karine & Zao pour les repas chaleureux
Cédric pour les textures et les rires
Sophie & Pierre pour l'accueil
JP pour ta générosité et ta bienveillance
Emily for showing up and making this full circle
Allison, Claire & Scott for being so great and fun to hang out with
Thanya, Sadie, Anna & Sahara for such a sweet day
Charles pour tes petites attentions
Etienne pour ton écoute, ton temps et tes mots d'encouragements
Mark for revising my grant applications way past your bedtime
Pierre & Hélène pour le loyer encore abordable
Adèle & Lionel pour votre support et plus
Marc-André pour les belles photos
Sarah for the great bio
Sarah pour ton aide et tes idées
Marie-Eve pour l'inspiration, ton art et le magnifique tableau
Finally, Canada Council for the Arts for funding part of this project and making it possible

credits

released August 30, 2023

All songs written and published by Kim Albert (Mother Tree Records)
Co-produced with Philippe Girard

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about

Kim Albert Montreal, Québec

Kim Albert is a Canadian singer songwriter. Marked by the untimely loss of her mother at the age of eight, her haunting, pared-down folk songs are steeped in love and loss. She crafts music as mindful meditation in a daily practice of acceptance, self-exploration and forgiveness. The result is a personal, revealing interpretation of the fallibility and wonders of what makes us human. ... more

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